Your Family Today: Parenting
The Art of Saying No
This guest post was written by Gail Belsky for Your Family Today
By the time they reach school age, kids are as skilled at debating as politicians on the campaign trail. But while their persistence can wear you down, giving in to their pleas will only encourage them to keep it up.
“If you’re looking [to raise a] respectful child with good self-esteem, then start saying no,” says Michelle Borba, educational psychologist and author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. “If you say no, and your child learns to accept it, your child learns to accept your values.” Borba also notes that research shows kids who are raised in less-permissive homes have higher feelings of self-respect and more confidence.
You have to start saying no now, though, because it only gets harder later, says Borba. Here are her top five steps for saying no — and having your child really hear it.
1. Review your rules.
Every six months, take time to think through exactly what your expectations and values are: what you’re saying yes to, what you’re saying no to, what is non-negotiable and why you feel that way. Also consider what you want to teach your child with the rules you’re setting. Without the conviction of your beliefs — knowing what you won’t accept and why — you’ll be more likely to cave in when he starts pushing.
2. Make a formal announcement.
Once you’re sure what you will and won’t tolerate, call a family meeting and explain the rules. Be matter-of-fact and non-critical; laying out your expectations shouldn’t come off as punitive. And by explaining your reasons for each rule, you’re showing your kid that you’ve given this a lot of thought and you’re serious. “It’s a guideline for your values, a family mission statement,” says Borba.
3. Get on the same page.
Whether you live in the same home or not, try to reach an agreement with your parenting partner about which rules are non-negotiable. Then, put them somewhere where everyone can see them. “Even if there are only three rules, mark them in stone,” says Borba. “If you don’t have them written and posted on the fridge, your child will water you down.” The other benefit to hanging them up? “Whenever your child has a friend over, he can point to the fridge.”
4. Don’t engage.
When your child starts pestering despite the rules, say as little as possible in response. If you’ve told him that you don’t want a video game system in your home but he argues that everyone else has one, respond with, “That’s what they do in their house.” If you have a gaming system but have decided that your child is too young for teen-rated games, don’t hesitate when he says, “But I’ve played them at my friend’s house.” Say “Not in my house,” — and leave it at that. “Too much explanation continues the power struggle,” says Borba. “How you handle a wordy kid who wears you down is to stop talking yourself.”
5. Avoid confrontation.
If your child pesters for sweets at the store after you’ve told him no, don’t tolerate one minute of it. He’s been disrespectful by ignoring the rules, says Borba, and that demands action. Follow your conviction, even if it’s inconvenient for you. As soon as your child starts pestering, stop shopping and tell him you’re going home. Or give him a time-out in the car while you stand by. Will it be embarrassing for him? “Yes,” says Borba, “and thank goodness it is!” Sometimes, a little embarrassment makes the point better than any scolding could.
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Gail Belsky is an editor, writer and adjunct professor at Fordham University. She is the author of The List: 100 Ways to Shake up Your Life (Seal Press, 2009), and the editor of Over the Hill and Between the Sheets: Sex, Love and Lust in Middle Age (Springboard Press, 2008). She is also the managing editor of Your Family Today. Belsky was an executive editor in Time Inc.’s custom publishing division and at Working Mother, where she consulted on the magazine’s relaunch. Before that, she was a senior editor at Parents. Belsky was executive managing editor at Selling magazine, which she helped launch. As a consultant, she worked on two Time Inc. projects: a prototype of a car-racing magazine, and the launch of the women’s magazine, All You. She also produced custom publications for American Baby and, most recently, for The Knot. Belsky has written for such diverse websites and publications as Moneywatch.com, Health.com, Prevention.com, Philadelphia Inquirer, Parents magazine, and American Baby magazine. She also contributed an essay to the collection, The Imperfect Mom: Candid Confessions of Mothers Living in the Real World (Broadway, 2006). Belsky lives in New Jersey with her husband and two children.
Dr. Daisy Sutherland is the Founder/CEO of Dr. Mommy Online. She is a doctor, author, mentor, speaker, wife & mom to 5 children. Dr. Mommy's mission is to ~ Help Busy Women and Men with her 'Get Real' approach to living a happier and healthier lifestyle. Watch for new book: 'Letting Go of Super Mom' coming out August 7, 2012.
Yes, thank you. Please post this on a platform in the sky somewhere where it can be seen by every parent on the planet. GREAT advice!